“It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.
On March 11, 2013 my husband called me from work. He was sick. He was heading to the hospital emergency. “Don’t meet me there,” he said. “I’ll be o.k.” I kept to my schedule, but by evening I was frantic. He wasn’t answering his cell phone. I didn’t know which hospital he was at. Finally, he called. I went there and waited.
This was the beginning of our journey that ended, for him, on June 8, 2013. And my life, as I knew it, was gone from that moment on. Half of me died with him. And I began to learn the real meaning of life, living and trying to survive through a horrible grief journey.
I started blogging about the hospital – Hospital Diaries – but became too drained to finish. Then it was about life without him – After He Was Gone. Now, sometimes, I blog about other things in my life but it is always an evolution as I walk (sometimes clawing) that path through the grief journey and have started to write about grief and ways to help you through those dark days for publications.
In North America we don’t talk about death. As survivors of loss, we are without tools to cope and it often resulting in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Writing has helped me through this journey. The surprising outcome is that I’ve learned my writing has helped others who have lost loved ones, or are going through the process of living with the impending death of the ones they love most.
Some people say that, through my journey, they’ve begun thinking about the impact on their own lives. What happens if the person they love most dies? It puts a totally different spin on your relationship you have in the present. Because even if you try to deny it, death is a part of life. There’s no way that you won’t lose that person some day, or they might lose you. It’s painful, but reality. And it becomes the most intense journey of your life.
So I share my story with those who want to read it. It’s been filled with horrible grief and tears, but also good moments and many amazing revelations. Despite the pain of living without him, this was Bob’s gift to me, and hopefully his gift to you too.